September 18, 2009 denifay7
A friend of mine shared this quote with me a few weeks ago…
“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but rather, learning to dance in the rain.”
Don’t know who said it, it doesn’t matter, it’s beautiful! She and I were discussing miscarriages, as I have experienced my second and she has suffered three. I use the word suffer because that is what it is to lose a baby. It doesn’t matter if you are 5 weeks pregnant, 10 weeks pregnant, or 40 weeks pregnant (yes, that does happen, and more often than many realize). I’ve been struggling lately with my loss and the fact that I’ve heard of so many other losses.
When someone’s parent or grandparent, (or dog for that matter) dies, we acknowledge it, we sympathize with them, we want to comfort them. We recognize that there was life and it is now gone, no more memories to be made, no more stories to tell, no more hugs, tears, or laughter with that person. That is tangible.
But when a mother losses her baby people seem to really have a hard time knowing what to say, how to react, or how to treat the person. I mean this with no judgement, just to hopefully give some information on how we mothers who have lost babies feel.
Every loss is different, for every person, in every instance. My first loss was much different from my second loss, so I know it to be true, as least from my perspective. I’ve never been much of a message board participating person, but I did find a website http://www.ourmiscarriage.com, as I was grieving my first loss and have found it immensely helpful, as those women all know the feelings I feel. (If you know someone one who has suffered the loss of a baby, send them there, better yet, read it yourself, you’ll get a glimpse of our feelings). People loss babies everyday, as every stage in their pregnancy, so to say that there is a ‘safe’ zone to announce your pregnancy is completely crazy! You just have to announce it when you feel comfortable and be ready for the repercussions (that we all pray don’t happen to anyone).
So, how do we feel after a loss? I can’t put it into words eloquently, so I’ll just try to do my best here. We feel empty, alone, numb, sad, mad, terrified, disillusioned, abandoned, hopeless, and forgotten. We feel like our bodies don’t work, like we’ve let ourselves and our husbands down. We feel so grief stricken that moving some days seems impossible. Our friends don’t know what to say and so we feel further isolated. We are jealous of the people it comes so easily for, even when we aren’t jealous people. We are weepy and emotional and fragile (things that are foreign to me). We want answers and often get none. Our hearts break at the mention of our babies and when someone else’s dream comes true and ours do not. We have dates imprinted on our hearts of when our babies should have been here and when they left us.
The feelings we have are not ones we want, like, or are comfortable with, but they are what they are. So, don’t think we are horrible when we can’t jump for joy with you, for we want to, but the heartbreak is bigger. Just imagine, if you will, never knowing your daughter’s laugh, your son’s pout, or their smile. Look at your child and think what it would be to NEVER hold him/her. That may give you a small idea of what we feel on a daily basis. We want to be ‘normal’ to feel like we did pre-conception, but that just isn’t what happens. We will never be the same.
As hopeless and pitiful as that sounds, that is not how I feel. I am not hopeless, though at times I am pitiful, I admit!! The truth is that through this God is building my character, by showing me my own weaknesses and where He can fill me with His strength. That is nothing but HOPE, how people survive such sadness without hope is beyond me, and I pray no one has to go through that. For my life is better everyday because I am filled with hope. I am hopeful that I will have my own child one day, and it may not be as everyone else has, though I am still hopeful of that! This experience has done nothing but strengthen my marriage, for which I am eternally greatful. It helps that my husband is one of the most caring, considerate people alive, and I am greatful for him! I’m thankful for the love I’ve been shown, the support I’ve received and the lessons I’ve learned about myself and others through this experience. I don’t believe that God causes these things to happen, but I BELIEVE that God can produce good from every situation and that of anyone He knows the pain of loss and disappointment!
All of that I say to tell you that sometimes the storms don’t pass and you have to learn to dance in the rain!!!
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